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Giving up, or choosing life?

I'm currently pretty gripped by the desire to smoke...

I spent the majority of my life time smoking and ingesting 'drugs' of one kind or another.  I've tried 'giving up' at various times in my life and have often used to avoid some of the deeper depressions, dark places, and  'demons' I find within myself.  Like a lot of users I find the constant narrative going on inside my mind very hard to escape from at times, so I take something to divert, numb, aid sleep, create a high, move from depression to delight or over stimulation to peace.

Of course my commitment to 'self-improvement' (whatever that really means) and Mastery and helping others to find theirs, has driven me towards becoming clean.  A recent trip to a Greek island strengthened that resolve, particularly as while there I was gripped by a very tight snap depression which I had to fight - there was a very strong desire to no longer be here which was frightening and I eventually expressed in the depth of the night through a piece of prose, which I have shared on my Simply G blog, which is a more creative space for me to place.  I claim no great skill as a poet or creative writer, but you can find that piece of writing, if you wish, right here. 

As I post this today I am precisely ten days clean, just a little wine in the evenings and some tea in the day, I am drinking a little coffee again although I abstained from that early in the process just to ensure I was on some sort of even chemical keel.

I have tried to give up before, did I mention that?, on this occasion what is different is that I have not been feeling the things that go on in my body or mind and then telling myself 'I want a cigarette/whatever', I have chosen to simply observe those feelings, to be mindful of the sensations and enjoy for them for the message they are giving me...

'...the reason I currently feel shit is that I have chosen to be healthy...'

I had my last smoke at around 7 am on the morning of 28th July 2017.  Typically in the past I would have 'my last one' at night, then go to bed to start a new day...  I chose to have that last one in the morning, my intention to ensure that I experienced the withdrawal from nicotine rather than sleeping through it.  I think I am also finding it helpful to tick off another day drug free first thing in the morning, a reminder boost that then helps me get through the rest of the day - its a little calibration that seems to be helping.

As for Mastery - well I think the decision to stop smoking helps me there, how can I help others if I am not helping myself, if I am not fit myself - if my mental condition as a consequence of my habits is such that I write a piece like 'On the stairs to the roof'...?

My own journey in Mastery is going well, I can say that with some confidence, since I am being encouraged to exhibit some of the images from my This Towns project,  I am now being commissioned here and there for photographs, and I am part of a small team supporting another photographer in his documentary project - when I can share more about that I will.

The biggest boost recently came from a just a couple of words in a quick discussion I had with another photographer just yesterday...,  I respect this photographer immensely, their work both in documentary and also fine art disciplines is absolutely spot-on, simply masterful without question..., anyway I had been admiring one of their cameras a small simple device that looks like nothing special it is well known among photographers for having an amazing lens and is used by many professionals for street photography in particular.  We were discussing that camera and I pointed to the camera in my hand at the time, fitted with a fixed prime lens again perfect for street photography, I said something about 'that's me trying to be like the real photographers',  she said to me in response, 'oh, you are one'

much love

G


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