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Purpose, and Why I Don't Write My Blog...

Yes, went for a walk having decided I should write a blog entry, but was not sure what it should be about.

Here I am steeped in a world of high performance, writing and observing in that place, and I can't think of what to write about.

I guess there is a connection to purpose, in that I believe I had disconnected from my enjoyment of writing as simply a form of expression, and it is in that space of enjoyment that I have to be if I am going to write authentically and from the heart about my experiences in that world of high performance - otherwise I simply won't find the energy, there can be no other purpose to me in this, otherwise I will start to associate the process of maintaining a blog, as work - and I will only slowly grump off, I imagine at least

If my part of purpose is to spread the good stuff I witness, and I truly believe it might be at least, then I can at least share some of that here.

Also my mother died not all that long ago - the world of course has a new appearance from here.

When I am working with coach on something complex, intellectually exciting and stimulating, and in need of being made simple - i.e. the subject is delivered most efficiently and gracefully - we can of course get in a tangle, at that point we will often simply step back together, remind ourselves of the purpose of our virtual connivance, and continue.   Generally it works.

I'm uncertain how this all connects, what use my repurposing of this space to something more me will be, but I sense that if it is to have any purpose at all, and value beyond that which I feel from simply doing it, it will be because someone else finds this space of some use.  My guess.

In response to grief I have been in a few places, I have not cared to tick off and understand where I am in the stages described in text books, but as far as possible to simply be with the simple facts of the situation and the feelings evoked.    I hear coach talking often about being with our pain and our emotions, rather than confronting them we observe them - bring a curiosity, in that process of witnessing the emotion we can 'be' it less.

It's like a kind of PTSD you know, the encounter with an immediate shock leaves a mark in us, and where those shocks have been felt in us before we can soon to return directly to that same place, that strong sense of fight or flight and emotional overwhelm - bringing curiosity from that space can be very hard. Recently an old colleague passed away, I received an email and immediately felt a deep physical jolt, far deeper than was really appropriate for our relationship, swiftly followed by deep sense of resentment that someone should think I would even wish to receive this news - then immediately after the realisation that this is not me, I had the awareness early enough to change things so I rested, not for long, but enough.

I am not on the same journey as coach, I am steeped in the world of high performance, but I am not truly absorbed in the deepest of purposes, to simply 'be the best one can be' every day doesn't truly resonate often, and we are back at purpose.

The process connects in ways that I find helpful, my photography has improved, particularly recently. The urge to create by recording has been strong at times - I do it because I love it and I have connected my performance of it to a purpose that resonates for me at least.